Days of Hands

Ate lots of turkey, skated a bunch.  Good vacation.  No time to write!  Practice again tonight…  skatey skatey!

We’ll return to our regular blog posts tomorrow.  Whee!

I got my new skates today!  I’m so thrilled because they are PERFECT and pretty much MADE OF SEXY.  After my last experience with ordering skates online, I was a little nervous, but these truly are just what I had hoped for.

I am now the proud owner of Riedell 165 “Vixens” with Radar Flat Out wheels.  The wheels are nice and grippy at 88A durometer, and these ABEC7 bearrings are amazing.  I admit, I picked up the box from USPS at lunch and immediately tried them on.  I skated around the warehouse here at work for a few minutes.  I felt like I was hovering over the ground; it was effortless and intoxicating.

I can’t wait to get them to the rink tonight!!

I rant, I fume, and then I give myself a pep-talk, wrap myself in self esteem, and then I can start to feel better.  It isn’t something that always comes easily and is usually dependent on how resilient my self esteem is feeling.  I have my ups and downs like everyone, but right now, my self esteem is high and my confidence is solid.  So I’m boucing back.

This is in part to the new friends I have already made through derby.  Some of the other new girls are starting to stick…  most of them still only show up for one practice and then never again, but I’m starting to see familiar faces.  And they are FRIENDLY faces that are excited to be there, and excited to see me as well. 

I went to the scrimmage practice last night and had my first lesson on taking stats for the team.  I won’t be skating in the scrimmages until I pass my minimum skills test, but learning stats is really helping me understand the game on a new level. 

I’ve explained to people in the past that joining roller derby was more like starting-a-new-job nerves, rather than first-day-of-school nerves.  On the first day of school, no one knows where to go, no one has a routine figured out, and everyone is getting the same orientation.  But when you start a new job, everyone else has their routine already, they know what is expected of them, and you are the newbie constantly playing catch-up.  It’s intimidating and it sucks.  Hard.

Well I don’t want to speak too soon, but I think I’m breaking past this phase.  Last night, the other new girls and I spent the evening chatting like old friends, comparing aches and pains, and learning stats.  I think Mo and I are going to be the best of friends, and Mary is delightful.  The refs all knew me and visited with me.  Now if I could only get access to that damn forum!  Ha.

1993  -  When I was in middle school, I played volleyball.  I was pretty good.  I was on the “A” Team my second year.  I subscribed to volleyball magazines, played on summer recereation leagues, and got really invested in it.  In the spring before Freshamn year, I signed up for the EMHS volleyball team and was given dates and times for the practices to attend in order to try out for the team as a Freshman.  My mother picked me up after school and drove me to the high school with all my gear.  The first practice went fairly well.  The second practice never happened.  Mom dropped me off, drove away, and I walked inside to find that no one else was there.  I double checked the schedule.  I walked around to see if I could find anyone.  There was NO ONE.  And I was stranded in a new school with no way to contact my mother.  I sat with all my gear and waited until mom came to pick me back up.  I never found out what happened, beacuse I never had anything else to do with the sport of volleyball, or the high school’s athletic scene in general.

1999  -  Years later, now a college freshman declaring an architecture major, I was encouraged to join the engineering sorority.  I wasn’t really sure about being in a sorority, but I was willing to go to some orientation meet & greets to find out more.  I hoped I might even make a few friends.  The first meeting was in the Couch Student Lounge…  but there was a Couch Center and a Couch Dorm, both with Student Lounges.  I did not know this, and went to the wrong one.  I stumbled around looking lost and eventually gave up and went back to my dorm.  I was embarassed when I realized the mistake.  I didn’t bother going to any of the other meet & greets.  I told myself I was better off not joining any sorority.

2003  -  A friend I had kinda kept in contact with was visiting from out of state and was meeting up with some other people and invited me along.  I hadn’t seen any of them in years, and only really knew the out-of-state friend.  I stepped outside of my comfort zone and agreed to meet them for a night out, and stressed over driving in an unfamiliar area, finding parking, what to wear…  all the ridiculous things.  I got there and didn’t see them.  I checked all the seating areas.  I called the contact number I had, and asked where everyone was.  Oops!  They forgot to call me and tell me that the plans had fallen through!  I have not had any contact with any of them since that day.  I don’t even read my out-of-state friend’s blog anymore.

I relate these stories not to get pity (though I feel pretty pitiful putting it all here in writing) but to explain that I have quit sports, clubs, and even friends over less shit than roller derby is throwing at me.  I am getting to the end of my rope and feel like I’m going to explode.  I have tried to give this team the benefit of every doubt, swallow my embarrassment, and never ever complain.  But there’s only so much a woman can take.

My initial emails trying to get info up front about new-girl practices were never returned.  I showed up cold and full of questions hoping there would be a place for me, and the new girl coach seemed a little put off by that.  I showed up for the second practice and it had been canceled, but no one had called me.  (Hello, middle school volleyball insecurities!)  I shrugged all of this off, and continued to learn as much as I could on my own.

I beat myself up and wore myself out on the cheap art skates, dealt with people telling me to get better skates, and eventually got a pair loaned to me.  LAST WEEK I discovered that there are speed skates available to rent at the rink we practice at, and I could have used them this whole time. 

Yesterday I showed up to practice and was surprised to see people already out skating and drilling.  At 9:50am, I’m usually waiting outside with everyone for the door to be unlocked at 10.  At the end of practice, the coach came over to where the other new girls and I were and sternly lectured us on being at practice on time and calling her if we were going to be late.  I about cried.  RIGHT THEN, I found out that the practice times had changed from 10 to 9:30, and being late makes me feel humiliated, even though it was absolutely not my fault in this case. 

I (and two of the other new girls) mentioned that we had not been informed, and the coach said it had been posted to our forum.  My humiliation was strong but my frustration was growing at this point…  I had been asking and emailing for five weeks, and still had not gained access to the forum.  As of right now, I still do not have access. 

And as for calling her if we’re going to be late?  That assumes that:  1. We know what time practice is actually starting, and 2.  We have her phone number…  which is posted on the forum.  FUCK.

The coach mentioned other requirements and responsibilities that new girls should be fulfilling which I had either not been informed of, or led to believe they were optional.  Again, I’m being made to look bad…  I would follow the damn rules if I knew what they were.  But instead of telling me the rules up front, I learn them only when someone takes me to task for not following them.

And remember how people were telling me to get new skates?  Remember me saying that I was ready to buy them, and was shopping for them?  That was three or four weeks ago.  My new skates should actually be waiting for me at home today…  but you know what I found out after practice yesterday?  I heard one of the team members telling one of the other new girls that if we ordered through the rink that sponsors our team, we get wholesale rates.  Yup.  Any of those people who KNEW I was buying skates could have mentioned that and saved me a huge chunk of money.

One final gripe…  since all but one of the five practices I’ve attended had a handful of first-day girls (who incidentally never come back for a second day) I have now spent my first month learning and re-learning the first-day skills.  I have literally spent three practices doing nothing but the same three falls and maybe one stop.  Because of the way this is structured currently, I will not be able to learn all the required skills in my three-month intro period, much less master them to pass the skills test!  I’ve watched tons of videos and read anything I could find on the how-tos of roller derby moves, but that doesn’t compare to having personal instruction and critique.

I understand that the new-girl coach just retired without much warning.  I understand that there’s obviously a break down in the chain of command and communication.  I’m really trying to hang in here and hope that this is temporary.  I wanted so badly to come to these women and show them I was hard-working, responsible, dependable, and tough.  So far, I have shown them that I can’t make it to practice on time, won’t show up to the additional practices, and make excuses for my actions (”I didn’t know that we staretd at 9:30!”).  I wouldn’t want me on the team either.

I am so very emotionally and financially invested in this.  I WANT to play roller derby more than I’ve wanted anything in a long while.  I am willing and able to embrace this as a lifestyle, and give a huge chunk of my time and energy and soul to this sport.  Right now, I can accept that the team isn’t all that invested in me, but it still hurts. 

When (not if) I get through this, I’m gonna be the fiercest new-girl advocate ever.

…but I have picked out a derby name.  And so far, everyone who has heard it has thought it was clever and instantly caught the reference.  It was close to another name on the roster, so I wasn’t sure if I should even consider it.  The names that derby girls use on the track are all unique and have to be approved.  If it is highly similar to another name already in use, it will be rejected unless you get permission from the original name-bearer.

Earlier this week, I checked the name I wanted on the Master Roster, and it came back with a high similarity to a South Side Roller Derby member.  I googled the league, and found out that they are in Texas and are in the fund-raising stages to build a banked track.  What luck!  Even though they are geographically right next door, the chances of the original name owner and I ever skating together are near non-existent.  She’s banked track, and I’m flat track!

I emailed the contact for the league and within a day had authorization to use the name I wanted, and the only thing that might keep me from getting it is if someone who is awaiting approval from the master roster (and therefore in front of me in line) chose the name I want.  I’m giving my coach my requested name and the authorization email this Sunday at practice.  Then I just have to wait patiently for approval, which can take up to 6 months due to the backlog of names and the fact that the roster is generously maintained by volunteers.  (Can you imagine?!  Saints, every one of them!)

I won’t be revealing the name I want just yet, for fear of being jinxed.  Maybe next week?  We’ll see…  but I have a huge list of names that I considered and I’ll post some of my favorites when I get the chance.  With new girls joining our league every week, I’m sure my list of extra names will come in handy.

Even though I wore the loaner skates at the last practice, we didn’t do much skating.  We spent the time on falls and stops, and finished with clockwise laps.  Beacuse of that, Open Skate last night was the first time I got to really try out the speed skates.  Thanks again to Jus Ta Prick for loaning them!

Switching from ankle boots with the crappiest wheels and bearings possible, to low top speed skates with ABEC5s and Cayman wheels was pretty intimidating at first.  My old skates were slow and cheap, but I had no idea HOW slow and cheap until I tried better ones.  All of a sudden, I didn’t have to work constantly to keep a steady pace!  And I could roll just by shifting my weight slightly!  And ow…  I have weak ankles!

I felt like I was flying, and had to be very careful of my balance because these skates tend to slip right out from under me.  My sprints feel wild and uncontrolled because I’m not used to being able to go this fast.  My crossovers aren’t as effortless and confident, but at the beginning of the session, I couldn’t even do them, so there was huge improvement in just two hours.  I’m sure I just have to get used to wider wheels and higher speeds, and then crossovers will be as graceful as always.  At least I’m not wheel-checking myself at every turn anymore!

Having the low top boots has also made getting into proper derby stance easier, and I even did a few laps in a deep squat.  I want to be low, wide, and fast.  My thighs are getting used to the abuse, and as long as I remember to “stick my butt out” my balance is great.  I already have quite a swayback, so if I just accentuate that, and bend my knees, my form is good.

So I’ve got a list of things to work on in the next weeks.  I’ve got a couple exercises to strengthen my ankles.  I need to work on control big time.  This might also come with getting used to the new style skate, but until I get used to it, I have to hold back on the speed.  I’m also going to take advantage of the few sunny days in the forecast to do some outdoor skating.  The more hours I can spend on wheels, the better!

I have shifted things around a bit and the current blog is now my main page.  All the old stuff is archived but isn’t accessible currently. 

Also, I have started adding links to other roller derby bloggers.  I’ve been trying to find other rookies who are just getting started to compare my expereinces with theirs, but will add other links that catch my interest.  If you want to be added, you can leave your link in the comments!

I thought it was a bummer that my skates didn’t arrive in time for the last practice, but it is far more of a bummer to finally lace them up and be dreadfully disappointed.

Rather than sexysexy speed skates, I had expensive clown shoes.  I had read that the Rock boots were wide, and had thought that since the Riedell and SP boots I’d tried on were pretty snug that I might like the Rock boots.  But no, these boots were ridiculously wide on my feet.  I could not lace them tight enough to keep my toes and heels from being able to slide laterally in the boots.  I got a blister from wearing them around the house, for crying out loud!  And they just look HUGE.  The tongue alone has almost 2″ padding; it looks like a small pillow has been shoved under my laces and is trying to escape at my ankle.

So these skates were unattractive, uncomfortable, and all wrong for me.  At first I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt and make them work.  But the more I thought about it, the more that sounded like a very bad idea.  You have to understand that I feel absolutely terrible about sending food back at restaurants, returning a purchase is a HUGE thing for me.  Now that I think of it, this might be the first thing I have EVER returned. 

I’m waiting to hear back from the company (I was careful to read over the return policy before purchasing, there won’t be any issue with this return), but I did go ahead and immediately select a new pair.  I’m spending a little more, but I’m upgrading from ABEC5 bearings to ABEC7 in the process, and these skates lace all the way to the toe. 

I’m confident that the Rock fiasco was a good learning experience and a good life experience (Look at me!  I returned unsatisfactory goods!).  I am also confident that the new skates will be the sexy, comfortable, and sleek skates I am looking for.  And when I go to open skate tonight, I’ll be duct-taping my feet and using the loaner pair again, but I’ll know that waiting another 3-5 business days is a small price to pay for the skates I really want.

The next decision to agonize over is almost as intimidating…  I have to select a derby name.  Oh the stress!

I ordered a pair of Rock Flame skates in red early in the week, but they didn’t arrive in time for Sunday practice.  One of the refs brought his old skates for me to borrow and he had warned me ahead of time that they had no padding.  I came prepared with all the usual hotspots on my feet duct-taped and had no trouble with blisters or raw ankles.

I knew that better skates would make a difference, but OMIGAWD.  I was not expecting how much of a difference!  It was amazing; I could fly around the track.  I had convinced myself that I had a serious stamina problem, but it isn’t nearly as serious as I had thought.  I certainly won’t slack off in my interval training, but I won’t feel embarassed anymore when we skate laps.

I had been nervous about skating in low-top speed skates.  I had never skated in anything other than an ankle boot.  It didn’t take long to get the hang of it and by the end of practice I was feeling almost as confident on my loaner pair as I have been on my art skates.

Also boosting my confidence this week, I was the veteran of the new girl circle.  We had a low attendance this week, and it was the first day for the other two new girls.  And can I just take a moment to say I love the fact that these two both started on the same day?  One just turned 18 and has been waiting until she was old enough to skate, and the other is a long time sponsor and fan who finally decided that she wasn’t too old to skate! 

My derby twin, however, has strep throat (bummer!  I can totally sympathize!) and I hope she has a speedy recovery and is back next week.

Saturday, teams from Arkansas and Texas joined the Victory Dolls to hold a benefit for Tequila Mockingbird, a skater who was injured two years ago.  This was my first experience with the behind-the-scenes aspect of derby.  I arrived at the rink at 4pm and helped set everything up.  Since I don’t have any experience yet with stats or scorekeeping, there wasn’t a place for me as a Non-Skating Official (NSO), so I got to enjoy the show as a spectator and part-time water girl.

We had a great crowd and hosted six bouts, including a co-ed finale featuring refs and members of the men’s derby team from Dallas.  It was amazing to watch…  it was the first time I’d seen guys play.  Even though I was so tired from lingering sickness and the late hour, I stayed to help clean up afterward and dragged myself home at 11:00pm. 

The next morning was practice as usual, but the visiting teams that had stayed the night were invited to skate, so practice was PACKED.  Critical Sass (who I used to work with ages ago, of all the coincidences!) was given charge of the newbies and I was so pleased that Lindsey, my derby twin who started on the same day as I did was back!  It’s so good to have another newbie to work with.

I was feeling better, but kept a stack of tissues next to my water bottle so I could blow my nose often.  If you can’t breathe through your nose, and you’re still getting used to your mouth guard, catching your breath can be tricky!  But the end of this miserable flu is in sight and I am relieved.

My biggest issue this week was discouragement.  I mentioned that the plastic supports in my wrist guards had developed the bad habit of flying out and that I would probably have to tape them in place.  I didn’t think it was a big deal, especially because duct tape and electrical tape are a pretty common sight on derby equipment.  But at least two people remarked that I should have gotten different wrist guards.  I still haven’t been given any kind of information about equipment, and have been relying on internet research.  No one took any time to give recommendations.  Sure the criticisms were well-meant and not really all that critical, but they weren’t really constructive.   

That alone wouldn’t be too big a deal, except that this week, I got lectured about my skates.  I KNOW that they aren’t right for this.  I knew that when I started.  I knew I would be buying new ones as soon as I determined what I needed.  Considering that buying wristguards only set me back $15, but skates start at $100, I’m not at all interested in showing up with new skates and having anyone tell me I really should have got different ones.

So when I hear “Just buy a cheap pair, any pair.  You can upgrade them later”, you can probably understand my reluctance.  I feel it would be better to know what I want to begin with, and have an idea what upgrades cost.  If you can get good bearing and wheels on your skate in the first place, it is usually cheaper than buying a beginner stock skate and then paying separately for each upgrade.

Luckily, when I got back to my parents’ house after practice, Scott went to lunch with all of us and was willing to share his knowledge and his notes on wheels and bearings from the class he took at RollerCon.  We went to the only retailer in the area who stocked derby skates, and they had a whole two types to choose from.  But I was able to try on the Reidell Rebel and determine my size, so that was cool.  Scott took me back to his house and pulled out his rollerblades to show me the difference between 95A wheels and 85A wheels, ad we cruised the internet comparing deals.

Now comes the hard part…  taking the plunge and purchasing the most important and most expensive piece of derby equipment.  Yikes!